So as not to upset Father, I told him--this was just a week after my return from hakhsharah--that a friend of mine had found me a job in Lwów, and this was why I was leaving. Father lent me some money for the trip, behind Mother's back. I packed some of my belongings and left for Lwów.
This was the most daring move I had made in my life. Before my departure my boyfriend contacted me, and we made up with each other. We came to realize that we truly loved each other and that our quarrels were silly.
He was leaving for Palestine. He couldn't take me along because he wasn't traveling legally, but he promised that in a short time he would bring me over. We promised to love and be loyal to each other, and he left for Palestine on the same day that I left for Lwów.
I found it very difficult to part from him. Although I trusted him completely and he assured me that we would see each other in a few months, I had some terrible premonition that I would never see him again.
Four months later he was killed by Arabs, and with him my youth and my pleasure in living ended forever.
I search for work in an unfamiliar city
Someone who has never experienced it certainly will not understand what it means to hunt for a job in a big and completely unfamiliar city. I simply went from store to store, from office to office, and asked for a job.
Some sent me off politely, but with nothing; others snapped at me rudely. Some made promises they had no intention of keeping; still others made unpleasant remarks or indecent proposals.
I walked along streets that I didn't know and looked jealously at people who were employed. How I envied the salesgirls I saw bustling about in the stores! It seemed to me that, as I was told I wasn't needed everywhere I had asked for a job, I really wasn't needed in this world.
...
In the meantime, the members of the unit hadn't asked me for money. To make sure that they wouldn't notice I wasn't working, I didn't eat lunch there, but ate only breakfast and supper, which consisted of terrible coffee and a piece of bread.
This couldn't satisfy my hunger, of course; I was starving. Quite often I found myself standing in front of restaurants and pastry shops, greedily looking at food. In order to feel less hungry, I tried to upset my stomach. One day I ate a pickle on an empty stomach and then an apple, and with my last pennies I bought some buttermilk. If I had been the closely watched child of affluent parents, I am sure I would have caught typhus, but since I was very poor and nobody cared about me, all I got was a mild case of diarrhea and a much bigger appetite.
...
So I said goodbye to the Betar unit and moved here, where I have been to this day--that is, for two years. I am in charge of two boys. The older one is seven years old, so I have to tutor him; the younger boy is two years old, and I take him for walks in the stroller.
At first I felt very uneasy and embarrassed, but now I've gotten used to it. I receive room and board plus twenty-five zloty a month (at first I was paid only twenty). Of this I send ten zloty every month to my parents and use the remaining fifteen zloty to buy clothing and to save.
I haven't as yet completely resigned myself to fate, and I don't want to spend my entire life doing this kind of work. Despite everything, I intend to leave for Palestine and work there.
I have persuaded my employer to let me have two free evenings a week to study Hebrew. Perhaps I will go to Palestine, so this will be useful. I would gladly learn other languages as well, but unfortunately I have no time.
Also, I no longer attend Betar meetings; I have neither the time nor the drive. Jobs such as this one are very exhausting; the children are annoying and mischievous. The mothers have whims and "moods," and one has to endure it all patiently.
If I had the money, I would emigrate illegally, but I don't. I hope God will give me strength and endurance so that I can stay here long enough to save money for the trip. Then I'll leave for Palestine and start a new life. I hope that its description will be more pleasant and cheerful than this one.
